Wednesday, July 21, 2010

taking my Life back

I relapsed two weeks ago. As always, my decision seemed manageable. However, one day of drinking, turned into two consecutive weekends of belligerents. My main issue with drinking is that it consumes all aspects of my life. When I am not drinking, I am thinking about drinking. After a day and night of drinking, I am recovering from it's effects, sometime up to three days later. I do want to live a sober life, today at least. I find it interesting and sad how often I have said and attempted to do so over the past 11 years. will see.

Monday, June 7, 2010

It's working

Motivation begins when you connect inward ideas with outward goals. I have been sober for three weeks. It is still hard, but sobriety is unattainable. I enjoy not waking up sick. I enjoy not constantly thinking about catching a liquid buzz. I enjoy feeling balanced again. I have been making attempts to not isolate myself, because that leads to boredom, which leads to me drinking. I am happy right now. I could use more energy, but that will come. keep it up

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Good Stress

I just realized that good things can also generate stress. I found out within the same week that both my wife and I were approved for a loan for a new home and we were going to have a baby. I also started grad school at the same time. Needless to say, but ill say it anyway, that this was an overwhelming period in my life. I was puzzled to find out that I begin exhibiting signs of stress: being lethargic, losing interest in hobbies, trouble focusing...Most my life I have been plagued with dealing/coping with the stress from bad news, so it took several months for me to see the correlation between my "blessed" period and the stress that it was generating. There is a freedom to recognizing and validating any circumstance and/or situation, and for me I had to make some choices that allowed me to move forward within a healthy means. i have since postponed grad school till after the baby's birth. This has allowed me to focus on being a new dad, as well as work on my home. All in all this is a great period in my life. I have had to utilize all of my experiences and life lessons to navigate through some tough moments, but I am confident that I can move in a matter that will be beneficial for me and my family.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

thoughts become actions

I informed my man that i am trying to quit drinking, again. I asked him to support me with my decision by not asking me to drink under any circumstance. He was understanding, and even empathetic. I feel good because i visualized this as an action step towards my sobriety. I also asked another friend to provide me with a customized training program at her fitness center, another action step. My next step is to talk to my therapist to ensure that I am going about this in the "right" way.

Monday, May 17, 2010

The basics

i have found that stopping a "bad habit" typically is not hard, what is hard is beginning the action of quiting. Some circles discuss the action of quiting as a series of steps: precontemplation, contemplation, motivation, action, maintenance, relapse. If i had to classify my step, i would say that i am under motivation. I have had a series of introspective moments over the past month(s) that has strenghtned my belief that I have no business drinking, some of the main themes that come from my analysis include: 1) I am not capable of living a healthy, balanced life, 2) I have my first child on the way and I know my drinking will keep me numb from being in the experience, 3) both my father and uncle died from substance's in our blood. There are probably a zillion other reasons why I should never drink again. The funny thing is despite the overwhelming facts against why I should not drink, there are only a few that keep me drinking. 1) Stress relief, 2) Lowers my anxiety in social situations, 3) keeps me from feeling bored. I do enjoy being high on alcohol, that is a fact. It is these reasons that I have continued to jump on and off the wagon since my late teens. I do want to stop, forever stop. I am seeking the aide of a professional, as well as embracing the sobriety tips I have learned over the years. Like Common said, it;s hard to stop drinking.

Sunday, May 16, 2010


I had a great idea. I will use my entrys into these blogs to jumpstart my situation...only problem, it took me 2 hours to figure out how to get to this page. I went through old emails, old facebook posts, old memories and finally i got back to the starting point. If this is going to work i hope that i rememer how to get back to this fucking page.